planning frenzy

well any earlier posts about not enjoying wedding planning... well... are pretty moot now. i guess the only way to actually start liking the planning crap is to decide on a venue. any brainstorming you do before that tends to be all over the damn place and you feel like you can't nail ANYTHING down. well, pick a venue, stupid! (i wish someone told me that a loooong time ago.) i had the pleasure of looking at a venue last weekend with roomie s, and totally nailed it. now (since last weekend) i have had a flurry of awesome ideas that are actually starting to come together! wha? so this is what it's like. i totally get it now. tally ho, pip pip!

my goal in life

is to learn to sing the lyrics to R.E.M.'s song "it's the end of the world as we know it" and sing it at karaoke. one day..... i will conquer.

creeping closer

the days are starting to creep on, getting closer to when i get to pick matty up and drive him to a home he hasn't seen in months. i can't help but have these crazy daydreaming spells of what life will be like when he gets back. it's like i am a child again, thinking about "growing up" and having big people tea parties and big people dreams. i want to dance in the living room. i want to hike to the top of a mountain. i want to wake up on a saturday with nothing to do. this weekend was full of no plans. it was the first weekend i was actually home in what seems like a forever. it was a lot of good times with friends. unplanned memories that i will never forget. it is weekends like that, that make me realize that i have the most awesome people in my life. i have so many people i can lean on if i need anything. and what is even more awesome, is that matty's friends are equally superb. it's like for the past twenty-something years we have both lived seperate lives, weeding out the suck and making the most fantastic friends and putting all this effort into making life just fucking grand. and then we meet and we both get to share the best people in the world. this weekend at home made me realize that alllllll that shit i went through, all the struggles, and doubt, and the times i thought that it wasn't worth it, that was all to get me right where i fucking am. and i couldn't be happier.

updatelldooya

well. running. i am going to attempt a 13 mile run on saturday. which will put me at a 40 mile week. wha? i don't even think i drive 40 miles in a typical week. that is pretty spectacular. every time i do something that amazes me (i know) i go back and think about how only 5 months ish ago i was smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes a day. and it amazes me even more. the part that is bothering me, is the fact that i can't stop talking about it. i am sure my friends are sick of hearing about my running. but are too nice to say it. but i know, because i keep hearing myself talk about me me me and it is starting to bug.

on another note. i met with a counselor about going back to city college to get my accounting degree. i have been looking for a job, with no luck. so, screw it. i'm gonna go back to school. i can do my gen ed stuff, then decide if i wanna get my associates or transfer to a state college. and, AND if I decide to go full time, i can try out for the soccer team. hahaa. this amuses me, as i am sure a 27 year old playing on a city college sports team would be funny. so, here's to hoping i can get a summer class. if i can't, i have that asshole arnold to thank.

on even yet another note, there are only 12 weekends left until matty comes home. i can't even begin to say how much i miss him. i miss the little things we used to do together. like lay in bed and listen to the rain. or sit on the porch in the sunshine. or the bickering in the frozen food aisle about how he can't eat "pizza sandwiches" every day for dinner.

he has been gone for 17 weeks. and every day i get closer.

merh

i miss this man more than words can say. we are officially over the hump. 4 months down, 3 to go. and it can't go by fast enough.

i knew i would give up sooner or later

but that doesn't mean i have given up on other things. it has been quite awhile since i posted on this blog. it is soooo hard for me to pay attention to it. i get all amped on blog stuff for a couple weeks, then it slowly gets pushed to the back. and then BAM, it's no where on the priority list at all. this is me, trying to shuffle it back to the front. lots of things have been going on. mainly me trying to stay busy. and i have been pretty successful in packing the schedule to the brim. lots of snowboarding, hanging with friends, running. i am up to ten miles. i was doing a 25 miles a week pace, then i got really sick. not a cold. because that i can run through. a debilitating cough, chest pressure, goo producing sickness. which i am still not over. ugh. but, i have since signed up for the la jolla half marathon on april 25th. so i have to keep running. i have been taking it easy this week and last, but i am itching to get back. it's strange. i never ever EVER pictured myself to be a runner. yeah, i was running every couple of days, but 3 miles was pretty much killing me. now i am up to ten mile runs. i am still in a state of shock when i say that. i guess it just goes to show you can do anything. hell. 5 months ago i was smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes a day. NOW I AM GOING ON TEN MILE RUNS. ha. i rule at life. running has actually turned into a type of therapy for me. you see, work isn't going so well. i could complain, whatever, but for the time being, i will search for a new job in a not so new job friendly economy and run. i run because it melts away the stress of the day. i run because it helps me forget the sadness of matty being gone and helps me recognize what we have to look forward to when he gets back. i run because it gives me time to think. i run because with every step i take, a little bit of the negativity goes away, and the positive aspects of life comes to me with a stunning clarity. a slow and simple transformation of what kind of person i want to be. i run to move forward, but at the same time away.

death race

i signed up for my first 5k. it is this saturday. i will not flake out on this. i will not flake out on this partly because it cost $40. this has nothing to do with a new years resloution. i think those things are lame. if you want to change something, don't wait until the first of the year to do it. i am doing this to know that i can do it. i am pretty nervous, but i got some good pointers from a friend that has run a couple marathons. he will be participating in the half marathon on the same day. hopefully i don't barf. i have been running about two or three times a week for the past few weeks, but the copious amounts of alcohol i drank during the new years celebration in big bear has probably more than cancelled that out. my next goal is to run a 10k. baby steps.

december photo project #31

holy cow i can't believe i actually made it. i'm not going to lie, i usually commit to things and then utterly fail. i think this is the first time i have ever come through. well, besides almost having 4 months without smoking a cigarette. which happens to be in about 5 days. this year has been so full of ups and downs. words cannot express the emotions that comes with having my number one in the service. i can only say i am extremely lucky that we both have the most amazing friends and family, and i have been shown such an outpouring of support it is unreal. not to mention the rubber chicken. only 4 months, 2 weeks and 3 days left to go. ish.

december photo project #30

a friend wanted to try out his new 20 below sleeping bag. this bag squeezed down to the size of a basketball. and, this friend in the sleeping bag, actually slept outside on the patio with it in the mountains. and said he was slightly warm all night.