december photo project #29

shy kitty. so cute. this is my friends cat, kaya. she is an egyptian mau cat. which means she is super special. she needs special attention. she looks like a shy kitty. but she is not. she likes to lick anything and everything.

december photo project #28

kind of boring, but this is all i took on this day. a care package for matty. hand warmers, a huge travel coffee mug (huge like big gulp size.) and some beef jerky. as well as all the notes my awesome friends wrote to him on napkins from friends christmas.

december photo project #27

matty loves loves loves nascar. and loves jimmie johnson even more. i'm pretty sure he is his man crush. every sunday we would have to watch nascar. i call it napcar, because this is usually when i would take my sunday nap. there is nothing that will put you to sleep like fast circles. well, came home sunday and i got a package from matty for christmas. this is probably the coolest shirt ever. i like the vintage feel. kind of makes it ok to wear a napcar shirt. i don't even know how he did this from overseas, but he did. i miss him so much.

december photo project #26

one of my nieces got a remote control spider as her white elephant gift. coolest thing ever. buster didn't like the spider.

december photo project #25

one of my oldest friends is also from bakersfield (we met in long beach at college) and every christmas i am in town i go to her parents house and hang for a bit. i pulled up and had to do a double take to make sure i was at the right house. because of this in the driveway. this is her brother's thug life car. who does that?!?!?!? haha, we totally made fun of him for that one.

december photo project #24

christmas eve. brother had a small party at his house, complete with white elephant gifts. i got a Hooters wing tray and martini-on-the-go mixes. all the older neices and brother got nerf guns, and we had a huge war throughout the entire house. probably the most fun i have ever had. until brother shot me in the eye. juuuust like the christmas story.

december photo project #23

well. i traveled to bakersfield for the holidays. i should mention the drive sucked, but that is to be expected. my brother received a tin pan thing in the shape of a gingerbread village, and this is how they turned out. he was very proud of his gingerbread village. he even made it snow. i don't think you can see, but he added blue sprinkles to the ground to add to the cold cold weather of said gingerbread village. brrrr. haha.

december photo project #22

um, gross. i hate spiders so so so much. matty is the one that i would usually make take care of things like this. because i hate them. they creep me out, and when i see one i usually have a nightmare about them crawling on me in my sleep. this one was in the bathtub. roomate is going to kill me if she reads this, but i couldn't handle it so i took a picture and walked away, hoping it would just crawl down the drain. roomate, i'm sorry. deeply, deeply sorry.

december photo project #21

i really like when the sky looks like this. i try to take photos every time, but the picture just doesn't do justice to what it's like in person. this was from the porch. after a very very very long and horrible day.

december photo project #20

these are the shiniest tomatoes i have ever seen.

december photo project #19

this is down the street from my house. i have walked past this light pole so many times. each time, i want to take a photo. well, i finally did. this is what i would call upbeat vandalism. we need more of this in the world.

december photo project #18

ha! friends christmas, as seen on tv style. what an awesome night with the most amazing people.

december photo project #17

so, remember december photo project #15? the gift basket? i emptied it out last night (i should mention it was not a very awesome gift basket at all.) and hercules went right to it. he loves sitting in weird things. boxes, bags, luggage, anything he can fit into. roomate likes to build him a mini fort out of trader joe's bags and he loves loves loves it. he is a perfect fit for this basket. like a little loaf of bread.

december photo project #16

well. this is roomate, she is in the middle of her final finals week. she has been posted up in this spot for, oh, three weeks solid. either there or the library. looking forward to having her back when this is all over. she will be a college graduate. yay!
i don't know exactly how appreciative she would be if i plastered her photo on my blog. she has been too busy to ask. hence, the smiley face. you get the idea, yes?

december photo project #15

this picture is about what my life feels like right now. can't tell what it is? yep, that's my life. i am so insanely overwhelmed, i keep needing to remind myself to slow the heck down. play hooky, go to the snow. eat a cookie. write a letter. take a picture. sheesh.
if you don't know, it's a file drawer. a yucky, yucky file drawer.

december photo project #14

this is why i suck up to clients, even though the only time i really work with people is when they are mad about something. ugh. a note about this basket, my roomate and i busted into it last night and the wine sucked!

december photo project #13

i screwed up. i spent all day with matty's mom and sister, and forgot to take a picture. let's call this my get out of jail free card. SNAP!

december photo project #12

i was sitting at a light by my house on saturday, a light i sit at almost every day, and noticed this floating log. it looks like they trimmed a branch way up high, and this had grown onto the wire, and worked its way down. neat!

december photo project #11

on friday i skipped work and went snowboarding with some friends after a huge storm rolled through. (the first of three) the snow was so amazing, perfect powder. we were driving down the mountain and the view of the next storm working it's way in was too good to pass up. the photo just doesn't do it justice.

december photo project #10

this is from a new italian deli that just opened by my office. i have a bunch of family on the east coast, and, being italian, we are huge fans of the hoagie. this is the closest i have gotten to the taste of an east coast hoagie, by far. soooo good.

december photo project #9

i am going to cheat on this one. i was perusing the time magazine website today, particularly the "photos of the week" section. lo and behold, the photo for the day of my birthday is none other than matty's unit. how coincidental is that? i couldn't resist. so, today's photo is not one that i took. well, i took it, but more like stole it. neat!

december photo project #8

well. this is one of those photos where i didn't find anything interesting, and took this at the last minute because i realized i hadn"t taken a photo yet for this day. here it is. at a bar eating dinner.

december photo project #7

ha! a rainbow! it started raining yesterday at, oh, let's say 4 am. it did not stop until about 3 pm, which is when this little gem showed up for about all of 6 minutes. then the rain started again, only this time it decided to add a little wind. oh, not enough wind for you? here, let's add some more. PERFECT.

december photo project #6

well, yesterday i went snowboarding for the first time this season. it has shown me how incredibly out of shape i am for this sort of activity. snow was alright, a little icy, but i looked it up today and the day to day difference is kind of astounding. now you need chains to get up the mountain and they are predicting up to 2 feet of snow. snap! did i mention it was freezing? just imagine what today is like.

december photo project #5

and this is right outside the apartment. i think this photo makes it look so so warm outside, like a beautiful summer day. but, in reality, it was freezing ass cold and windy. way to go, fake out.

december photo project #4

a plastic seagull on a string. as seen from the top of the big red double decker bus.

december photo project #3

we have a good one today. today is my birthday. matty is still in afghanistan, and has somehow managed to send me flowers. this is probably the most unexpected surprise ever. sorry about the blurry photo. just pretend you are seeing them through my eyes, which are seriously blurry with tears. i think that man is just the bees knees.

december photo project #2

and day two starts off with a bang. this is a car in my neighborhood from this morning. i had no idea they had implemented "das boot" system in this town, but i digress. always remember, no matter how utterly horrible your day is going, someone else's is always giong to be worse. don't be an ass to people just cause you are having a shitty day. buck up, because tomorrow is a new one.

december photo project #1

i read a lot of blogs. random stuff that i find here and there... i read today a little blip on something called the december photo project. unfortunately, i don't remember where i saw it. but. it is very similar to the photo a day for a year type thing that some people may have heard about. since i can't commit to a year of taking a photo a day, i am going to attempt to do this for the month of december. clearly, i am a day late. but not a dollar short. i just happened to snap a photo yesterday on my phone. so. starting off. this is a photo of the bruises on my knees. this is what happens when you do the worm at a wedding. twice. as you may know, the wedding was over a week ago, and i still have the bruises to prove it. *after adding the photo, i should note it looks a lot worse in real life. i'm just saying...

the craze

this weekend was a big one. lots of family, lots of fun, lots of work. i got to meet up with my step sister, whom i have not seen in a looong time. it was so refreshing; we picked up right where we left off. only now we are old enough to drink together. i missed her.



we had so so so much to do for my brother's wedding... we had been trying to get the fabric on the chuppa for two days. we ended up doing it about 45 minutes before the ceremony started. cutting it close. dad took this photo with my fuji instax camera, which was a HUGE hit. looks like a very neat picture. probably one of my favorites.

family wedding weekend.

well, i am leaving after work today to go back to bakersfield. again. this weekend is my brother's wedding, in which i am the MOH. i was having a really hard time writing my speech. not to mention i am terrified, along with the rest of the world, of public speaking. but, i finished it. pretty sure i nailed it. i cried when i was proofreading it. win?

dad is flying in on saturday for the wedding. this will be the second time he has gone to bakersfield since he moved to colorado. i think that was in 1993 or something. weird. we are going to brunch on sunday with my step-sister and her fiance. they live in san francisco, but are going to be in town for someone else's wedding. this is pretty weird also, as i have not seen her for, oh, 6 years. for valid reasons.

anyways, it is going to be quite a weekend. i really wish matty was here to share it.

smashing up bakersfield

in a continuing effort to stay busy, i went to bakersfield again this last weekend for my soon to be sister in law's bridal shower. we had a ton of fun, the night was full of adventure and new people and carl's jr. and throwing up. a success. on sunday morning, we (brother included) went to mom's house, as she had four of the nieces after a sleepover at her house. we took them bagels and were running around her house when i heard my phone ring. i picked it up and let out a really loud, ear-piercing "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" everyone looked at me with anticipation as to why the hell i had just rousted their morning with my high-pitched sqealing. it was matty. when he called from germany, it was a simple 5 digit number. something really off. and when he called yesterday, it was a 5 digit number. so i knew as soon as i looked at my phone that it was him. hence, the squealing.

i hadn't talked to him for almost three weeks. it is hard to bring all those things to a front that i have wanted to tell him for three whole weeks. i write to him everyday, and i think this is why. i don't want to forget to tell him something super amazingly awesome. he told me he has only received two letters. two letters of about 25 that i have written. (sometimes two a day.) and the care package i sent him. oh, how i miss him.

outside the box.

i volunteered to make the card box for brother's wedding. it has been sitting on the dining room table for the last two weeks, taunting me to finish. with the wedding being, oh, about 8 days away, i finished it last night. i am mighty proud of this box. i built it out of foam core board and it is totally worth all of the hot glue gun burns i received. the b is for butt. juuuust kidding.

chuckle doodle doo!

well, the days are getting harder. as that one time of month gets a little closer. i know once it is over, i'll look back on this day and wonder why i was FREAKING OUT. but, for now, i'm just going with it. the freaking out part. still haven't heard from the dude, which is really really really getting to me. but, no news is good news, yes?

i'm off to a late soccer game. tomorrow morning i am picking up my cousin charlie (chuckles) at LAX at 5 am. SWEET! he has been in the peace corp for the last two years somewhere far away. i think micronesia? is that even a place? we're gonna eat and drink. A LOT. can't wait!

a stone slab in bakersfield.

ah, i am driving to bakersfield tonight to visit my awesome family. i get to see my mom's new granite countertops. is it totally lame i am super excited about that? can't a girl love granite? i usually stay with my brother and sis in law, who are both so legit words can not explain what a great time i have. and my nieces give me a run for my money in the energy department. every time. so, i'm super stoked. i am, however, sad that matty will not be coming with us. i know it won't be the same without him. i hate the drive, and i usually make him do it and complain about how slow he is going the whole way. but that is our thing. it's just how it is supposed to be done. plain and simple. i think i am going to force the clan of nieces into drawing him pictures so i can send them his way. last time i forced one of them to draw for me, she drew a kangaroo with a purple bow that just took a huge dump. it was beautiful.

ugh.

if i had balls, i would kindly request that today, november 2, 2009, would suck them.

suck it, monday. i am so over you.

rolling with it.

i am doing well. surprisingly, i am doing very well. the only time it has been somewhat difficult is at night, when it is time to lay in bed. when i wish matty was next to me. don't get me wrong, there are lots of points during the days that remind me of my sgt. awesome. when something strikes a memory, i usually jot it down so i can include it in a letter to him. i want him to know i think of him very often.

part of me feels badly that i am doing so well with this. but i know, a day will come when it isn't so easy. and it will be these good days that gets me through that horrible one.

until then there's always halloween candy. i guess.

bookake #2

well, i finished the cider house rules. it was good... a little bit of a low start, because it is a very large book. and large books scare me. so, i definitely really liked this book. and because i thought it was just so awesome, i rented the movie. and it pissed me off. i have never seen a book-turned-movie come out well. but this one left out some really key stuff. um, hello? MELONY THE MEAN GIRL! now i feel that it's ok to dislike tobey maguire a little bit more. so, suck it tobey maguire.

i started reading the last song by nicholas sparks, and i am also reading animal farm by george orwell. i have read animal farm before, and it is so damn short i suggest everyone in the universe read it also. if you haven't yet. because it's a neat book. and because i said so.

a little bit of home every day

well. i have made it through another day. trying to just keep on keeping on. i am going to try to write matty a letter every day. maybe not every SINGLE day. but close. i figure if a letter is his little bit of home, i can take the time out to send him a little something. because i can picture him looking at an envelope with my return address and seeing him smile. and i want to picture that smile every day. and i know it is going to be a big one when he gets the card i sent yesterday with the giant wiener i drew inside. love!

today

is a little better. woke up freezing my toes off, but it is still a little better.

going to try to tackle all of the errands i have been putting off. which should be interesting. because that list of errands includes a trip to the MALL. and i can't tell you enough how much i hate the MALL and everything the MALL touches. i believe the MALL is equivalent, if not even worse, to stepping in a huge pile of dog crap. barefoot.

I ABSOLUTELY HATE THE MALL.

if i don't make it back, i love you all.

forever and always,

me.

checking in. or out.

the last few days have been extremely tough. after two other trips to base, only to be told to come back, today was the day. we woke up at 2:30 this morning to be at base by 4:30. matty finally got on the bus at 11. today i am in ruins, but tomorrow will be better. i told matty i wouldn't cry in front of him when he was leaving, and i didn't. i think it was better that way. i would have been a fucking wreck, otherwise. all i have to say is, my dude is the shit. i am one lucky lady. i'll leave you with his unit in formation, right before they boarded the bus.

too soon

matty and i have been on a whirlwind trip all week to see relatives of all kinds. the day is creeping too close, too soon. i can't believe he will be gone in two days. the overbearing sadness is coming and going, in unexpected waves at times that i am the least prepared. i am just trying to tell myself to be strong until after he is gone. i will have all the time in the world to be sad. how important it is to enjoy our time together while we can. at this point it is all that i can do.

he's on the nip again

so, i will not be around for the next week or so. maybe i'll post something if i get the chance, but matty has the week off, and so do i. i think this is the first time i have had more than 2 consecutive weekdays off in almost three years. so, we will be running around seeing family and taking care of bidness. hopefully the 6 months will go by as fast as the last two weeks have. tally ho, pip pip!

horn honking 101

i hate mean horn honkers. i do not hate horn honkers that do not abuse the horn priveledge. i hate mean horn honkers. i'll attempt to give some good examples of each:

nice horn honker - EGADS! someone is drifting into my lane and if i don't let them know soon, they will hit me! beep beep!
mean horn honker - oh golly. i want to get my boyfriends attention who is standing right outside my car. it is 10:30 at night, but i am really lazy so instead of just getting out of my car or perhaps rolling down the window to get his attention, i am just going to HONK and make him come back to the car. and keep HONKING. because he isn't coming fast enough. HONK HONK. oh, were you sleeping?

we have a neighbor that is a mean horn honker. either she is a.) a really big jerk that doesn't care that she has neighbors or b.) just an idiot that doesn't think things through. after witnessing the above mean horn honker example happen in real-time, i have kind of made it a point to discern if she is rude or just actually, an idiot.

i am now convinced she is guilty of the former. and i will tell you why. last night, i was laying in bed, minding my own business, reading my book. i heard someone honking their horn right out front. a lot. then i heard a screech... so, me being really nosy and into everyone else's business, i went out on the porch to check it out. the honking i heard, was someone trying to get the attention of the MEAN HORN HONKER. because why? well, the MEAN HORN HONKER WAS TOO LAZY TO PARK DOWN THE STREET, SO SHE JUST PARKED HER CAR WHERE SHE COULD AND BLOCKED THE ALLEY. yes the capslock is me yelling. YELLING! she parked and went inside her house. so, people were trying to get to their garage in the alley, but they couldn't. because of the lazy MEAN HORN HONKER. and this is not the first time she has parked there. i just didn't know that that was the MEAN HORN HONKER'S car the first time i saw it blocking the alley. so, she is not only rude, but an idiot. a rude idiot.

i feel better now.

PANTS!! and pizza!

it's all an illusion

on sunday, s, j and i went to the 99 cent store to get halloween decor and candy. i was really excited to be going somewhere. and j has sirius radio in his car, with 80's and 90's and all the good stuff. it was something serious. we were on the way back, and there was a fire off in the distance. the sun looked pretty awesome through the smoke. but, something burned down for it to look like this. i still haven't figured out what it was.

did i mention most of the pictures on here are taken with a crappy cell phone camera? as though you couldn't tell....

early bird without the worm

so, matt may be leaving a little earlier than planned. about a week earlier. we have been trying to figure out everything we need to do before he goes, who we need to go see, etc. which means lots of driving. have i ever mentioned i hate being in the car? these last few weeks have been so stressful and so emotional, and it is really hard to deal with when we are together. we want to make the best of the time we have left, but it is hard to push the stress and worries to the backburner. to push it to the back of my mind so i can deal with it when he goes is one of the hardest things i've had to do. i don't want him to remember his last weeks at home as completely miserable. so that is what i have to keep telling myself. i can deal with my feelings on my own time. for now, let there be taco bell, and lots of it. because that's what he wants. and i am ok with that. who doesn't love a bean burrito with a side of nacho cheese?

lunch on a sunday.

with a stella. the only way it would be better is if matty was here. except he wouldn't eat this. i would make him a hot pocket or two.

get the feng shui outta my face

i have been having a really hard time sleeping. i have chalked it up to nerves, since my troubles started when matty left. but, with him coming home tonight, and my obsessive keeping busy phase, i have been cleaning (purging) my room of all the crap i have accumulated over the years. you can catch up on that in my "goodwilling" post. anyways, last night i conquered my closet. and, as i realized i was able to finally close the closet door for the first time in months, i remembered a little tidbit i read about how sleeping with the closet door open is completely un-feng shui. closing the closet door "allows for the best and most nourishing flow of energy to strengthen your health." feng shui that. so, i did it. i slept with the closet door shut. and had the best sleep i've had in a really, really long time.

one month

today it has been one month since i quit smoking cigarettes. i cheated one time, but it was not a whole one. and, i was pretty inebriated, and i don't remember doing it. so it isn't going to count as cheating. because i don't remember it and because i said so. and because i quit on 9/9/09 and i want to keep that date. take that, interwebs.

through the grapevine...

i have just gotten wind that matty will be off tomorrow evening for two whole days. to say i am OHMYGOSHSOEXCITED!!! is an understatement. i am exuberant? sounds good. and he will be able to go to pizza and beers with all of us on friday. not some, but ALL of us. life is good. LIFE IS GOOD! LIFE IS GOOD!!!!!

on another note. i think a mosquito just bit me on the lip. it be itchin'.

bookkake

i like to read. so i am going to let you know what i am reading. current read: the cider house rules by john irving. recommended by BOB! no, i have not seen the movie. maybe i will once i finish the book, but to date i have not seen it. nor am i a big fan of tobey maguire. enough said.

growing up is hard to do

when you start to grow up, have children, set goals, save for retirement... etc. it can be hard. it can be hard to let go of those young, fun, hip times you spent hanging out with your friends, drinking until 2 am, sleeping in until 2 pm. but there are things to look forward to. like watching your children grow up, instilling in them the knowledge you have attained. financial stability. achieving your goals. hello kitty owie ice packs. the list never ends.

at last!

listening to duke ellington makes me want to clean my bedroom. i don't know why, and i don't ask questions. i just do. GO DUKE!

wacky watermelon, blastin' berry.

i have a problem with swallowing my gum. i don't know where it came from, or when it started. i do know that i do not set out with a piece of gum thinking, "oh man, i am going to chew you and chew you and you are going to end up in my stomach where it is dark. DARK i say, where i can savor your flavor forever and ever and that is the end! the end!" i do it on accident. i'll just be chewing a piece of gum, any gum, it doesn't have to be the super tasty bubble yum. and i just swallow it. and as soon as i do, i'm like, "shit! on to the depths of hell with you, GUM!" it's gross. i know. but it just sort of happens. i try to conciously spit it out before it happens, but i am not by a trash can every time. and i don't carry tissues. and i'll be damned if i spit it on the ground, because i absolutely hate hate HATE when i step in someones gum. so i keep chewing it. and then i end up swallowing it. but. but but BUT. last night at my game, i had gum. i had gum that i accidently swallowed right before the game started. and as i am silently cursing myself for swallowing yet another piece of gum, i burped. and my gum came flying out of my mouth and i caught it with my hand. nothing came out but the gum. and i caught it. WITH MY HAND. and then i decided to be proper and i ran and threw it in the trashcan. but, i caught it. as it propelled out of my mouth, i freakin' caught it.

rainbow sampler.

on saturday i went to rock bottom with my buddies. poor guys had just gotten up, and i had been awake and antsy for three hours prior. i think my energy level was a little out of control. i couldn't help it. i was excited. to be AWAKE! and OUT! doing THINGS! and drinking SAMPLES! in RAINBOW FASHION! GOOD TIMES!

another monday.

one week. one more week until matt is done with twentynine palms. part of me can't believe it has already been a month that we have spent apart. part of me wants to believe that "oh, i got this" when he leaves for 6. but i know it isn't going to be like that. with the winter coming, and fall well well on it's way in, i lay awake thinking about this separation that is going to so soon consume our life together. i will not have my person to call when something exciting happens, or when shit hits the fan at work and i am having a meltdown and i need my one to calm me down. i won't be next to him when it is 20 degrees in the old ass apartment and the only thing that will keep you warm is body heat. how are we supposed to fit in all of the shit we have to do in his ten days off before he leaves? this is what i think about when i try to sleep, knowing that the morning will be coming all too soon. the only thing that i have that works is thinking about what life will be like when he gets back. i will finally be able to wake up next to him. every day. matt and i have never lived together. all i want is to be able to make him breakfast in bed whenever i want. and fight for the bathroom. and get mad because he put my shirt in the dryer that wasn't supposed to go in there. i want to make him pick up his socks that he left in the living room and laugh at him because he wants hot pockets for dinner. again. for the 3rd night in a row. is this too much to ask?

finally friday.

i have been sick this week with a cold. i hope i can kick it before matty gets out of twentynine palms. i don't really have anything exciting that has happened, i haven't been doing anything but watching movies in bed. so, i'll leave you with this picture of buster's balls. they are pretty bald because he licks them obsessively. the photo didn't come out as well as i had hoped. i think buster knew i was going to exploit his private parts on the interwebs so he wouldn't hold still.

milk was a bad choice.

i am exhausted. utterly exhausted. i have been going going going. matty has a week and a half left in twentynine palms (i think) and i am capital T TIRED. had a late soccer game last night, then had a pretty rough time trying to sleep. i actually had to go get a coffee. in the middle of the afternoon. which i do not ever EVER do, unless it is a day that i am utterly hungover. which, i'll make note, doesn't happen during the week like it used to, say, 5 years ago. when my recovery rate was exemplary. so, i have a softball game tonight. another late one. but it is ok. because i am with good people. and winter is coming. which brings snowboarding. eeeeeeeee! can't wait. still contemplating on whether or not i am going to get a season pass again this year. i think i have until the end of october to get it half off. so i'll keep mulling it over. but hot damn i can not wait to get on the mountain again. i think i'll pull the duds out of the garage and wax my stick when i get home, brah. and matty bought me butt pads. because last season i took a mighty tumble on the tailbone that had me sitting on a donut for a month. everywhere i went. even to a nice dinner with friends. have you ever cleansed your pallette while sitting on a donut? I HAVE. not awesome.

insert sad face here.

this is from the day we found out matty was activated. (or the day "they picked him" as my nieces say...) we were driving down to san diego for a friends birthday and were halfway there. we had to turn around and come back to my house, as we had just moved all his stuff to my garage and had to report at 5:00 am the next day. to say it was a rough day is an understatement. and he forgot to pack socks.

welcome back?

why is it fucking impossible for me to take ONE day off from work without having a pile of shit left on my desk? how about a few client meltdowns that someone else could have handled???

oh, that's right. because my job sucks.

pencil me in?

if anyone decides to plan something on march 26, 2011, i just may have to kick them in the shins. i call that day mine, fair and square. mine i say, MINE! and now that it has been mentioned and is floating out there in the world of interwebs, it's officially mine. because that is the rules of the interwebs.

buster's balls

shit howdy have i been good about the staying busy part. i have been up to something everyday after work for the entire week so far. and, i even have a fun activity planned for after i get out of here today. what is it you ask? my, well, it's a root canal! OH BOY! my first one. i have absolutely no idea what to expect, and i am terrified of the dentist from a few previous experiences. that's putting it lightly. so, i have stocked up on soup, rented some movies, and i am down to get down with a root canal. (i think.) hopefully it doesn't take me out too hard, as i am driving to bakes, b-town, armpit of california bakersfield tomorrow to visit family and pick up my wedding dress. yes yes, my WEDDING dress. it finally came in. awesome. i am also going to meet up with my old bff that dates back to 4th grade whom i haven't seen in, um, 10 years. let's see, what else. luigi's steak sand-o-wich. mom, brother, sis in law, and all 6 nieces. with 6 nieces comes lots of soccer games. in hundred degree weather. oh, and buster the dog with the biggest balls i have ever seen. maybe i can get a photo of that. it'll be such a treat!

smoke signals are ineffective

yay! i talked to him. oh, all is good. for now. i don't want this to come out in the wrong way, but i take comfort in the fact that this isn't very easy for matty either. maybe because everytime i cry about shit, shed some tears, have a bad day, someone asks me if i am pms-ing. so unless matt has a vagina and can bleed from it, we are both experiencing actual human emotions not brought on by a surge of... GASP... hormones. nothing pisses me off more than to have someone ask me if i am pms-ing everytime i shed a tear.

on another note, soccer was good. there is no other feeling that compares to sprinting up and down a field for 80 minutes, chasing a round thing full of air. i am so glad that i can actually go and do something for excercise that i love. i mean, i'm not gonna lie, but for the day leading up to the game, i am constantly thinking, "oh my goodness i am totally going to die tonight i haven't run since the last game and i don't know if i can do this oh my i hope i don't get HITINTHEFACE." but alas, i always have a good time with good people. and get my ass kicked in a good way.

oh, i just cannot WAIT until he comes home.

world cup worthy

second soccer game of the season tonight. fingers crossed the massive blisters the size of former planet pluto hold up for the long haul. have i washed my jersey since the last game? OF COURSE NOT.

what are you doing with my waters?

ah, the weekend was filled with good friends and good times. i am now in full force "stay busy" mode, and i actually feel like i have accomplished things. the weekend was so crammed with doing stuff, it just flew by without the feeling of wasting it. some things that were completed(!!) this weekend:

drinking, eating lots of good food, seeing an old friend i haven't seen in a few years, seeing an old friend i saw not too long ago, meeting and approving of a friends new boy, meeting out of towners, more good food, violating hotel policies, seeing one man yell in what sounded like another language and punch other man (this made me very sad. it actually made me want to cry a little bit.) seeing naked man get arrested. rosh hashanah celebration, international faxes, eating cheeseburgers. watching tattoos in progress, good jokes. good inside jokes being made. more good food, baseball. coffee with BOB! movie time, julie & julia, cooking, crying (a little) and hugs.

and to top off an amazingly awesome weekend, i got a call and actually got to talk to my tootie pants. i miss him so much words can not even describe.

oh and some explosive diarrhea.

gettin' hitched

well. here is a subject i haven't touched yet. wedding planning. for the last, oh, 6 months or so, matty and i have been talking about plans for our wedding. with everything already figured out, colors, food, blah blah blah, we had been waiting to set a date until we found out the 411 on his deployment. now that we have that long awaiting timetable, i don't know what to do about setting a date. plan plan plan. we have a small budget, we have our guestlist, i have the dress. the dudes aren't wearing tuxedo's or anything fancy like that. we are going way simple. with that said, here are the options:

1.) matty gets back and completely done around august 2010. we had been talking about planning it for may 2011, but shit. that seems really REALLY far away. we don't need that much time to plan. and i'm not sure if i want to wait that long.

b.) we have also been toying with the idea of planning the shit out of it while he is gone, so we can do the damn thing in october 2010. i like the sound of this. i just don't know if i want to do all the planning while he is gone. i know he wants to be somewhat a part of the planning proccess (FOOD tasting... and the like) but i know i have a ton of support from my ladies, not to mention my family, AND his. with many a helping hand.

it isn't going to be a super fancy shindig with sparkles and perfectly placed rhinestones. we are both simple folks with simple tastes. that day is about our friends and family being there to witness the dedication of our lives to each other. oh yeah, and good food and flowing drinks. so i don't know what to do with this. my mind changes at least three times a day. who has two thumbs and obviously needs to pow wow with some friends for their thoughts? me.

goodwilling

i have an issue with throwing things away. and recently, i have been sitting around watching cable tv on the internet, because we don't have real cable. caught an episode of hoarders on the a & e website. was then extremely afraid. i should clarify that i am in no way even remotely close to the level of "keeping things" that the subjects of that tv show are. i have a clothing problem. i have a very small closet and a very large clothing problem. when matty found out he was being deployed, we had to move his stuff to my apartment. the garage is packed, and i had no space available in my room. but we made space. because apparently boys have clothes. so, it was looking eerily similar to a hoarder room. i just couldn't do it anymore. i took a stand against the clothes. went through my closet and the dresser and got rid of so many clothes i filled the biggest blackest industrial-sized trash bag that exists. and now i can't get it out of my room because it is too heavy. maybe it is a sign. but i'm feeling a little better. baby steps.

wait.....

i don't think it can get any worse than this.

it probably can, but it sure doesn't feel like it right now.

ugh.

one down...

well. i told myself when matty was gone i was going to keep busy. i wanted to keep busy so i wouldn't find myself alone all the time with my thoughts. which is exactly where i have ended up. it has been a little over a week since he left. (this isn't even the real deal time!) and i keep finding myself holed up in my bedroom, dealing with shit. and when it rains it pours. i have so much going on and all i want to do is talk to him. and i can't. and it makes it so hard. i never thought i would so deeply want to involve someone in every aspect of my life. in a way i am appreciative of the fact that he has to go to training, and i get somewhat of a glimpse of what the communication is going to be like when he goes overseas. but this is the point where i need to lean on my family and friends a tad more. because every day it is getting harder and harder to get out of bed. to go through the motions, so to speak. and i am grateful i can realize this.

remembering

today is the 8 year anniversary of 9/11. i am struggling with how to write this post, as i have to admit that this day affects me differently than the previous anniversaries. i have not had any close friends or family in the service during this war, until i met matt. yes, we met a couple years ago, so this is not our first "9/11 anniversary." but today is different. today matt and i can not spend together, today matt is gone for training to be deployed. to risk his life fighting for our country. this is not his first deployment... and there are understandably things he doesn't talk about. he won't talk about. but i know, he has seen things that will be with him for the rest of his life. our lives. our childrens lives. what he has been through has affected the way he views the world. the way he views other people in it. his entire way of thinking. his trust.

which is also what many people suffered on this day 8 years ago.

but what is different is that he is willing. he is prepared for this. he is ready.

thousands of people were not able to say goodbye. thousands of people left this world unprepared, unwilling. their lives taken from them and their families. from their children. from their brothers and sisters, from their soul mates.

let this day remind you of how precious life is. how quickly the world can change. i never thought i would have to prepare myself for the fact that someone i love deeply and with all of my being, may not come back. but in truth, this is a daily possibility. let yourself remember this.

i lurve food.

so, talked to matt for about 30 seconds yesterday. apparently the communication is going to be lacking the whole time he is going to be in the desert. speaking of desert, which is pretty close to dessert, i can't stop eating. in the past, the few (many) times i have attempted to quit smoking, the incessant eating never hit me until about day 4. went to the gym yesterday and about died, so the sore legs are slowing me down in getting TO the food. however, once there, i demolish all that stands in my way. cravings for greasy food isn't helping with the trying to be healthy crap. oh, what i would do for a large mcdonald's fry. you. have. no. idea.

and so it begins...

well, let's begin. matty left for twentynine palms on saturday, and i still have not talked to him. i have been trying to prepare for this possibility, but one never knows what feelings and thoughts will emerge until you're really in it. i have been trying to keep busy, etc. etc. i have also chosen to quit smoking today. also something i have been preparing myself for. i figured it would be a good time to do so, without having to put matty through that agony that is my mood swings, irritablility, and all that other stuff i have made him endure on my other "quitting" trials. for a couple of weeks, i have been cutting back the cigarettes. a little more each day, while all the while keeping today in mind. yesterday i was down to three. then played some softball, drank beer, and smoked a few more. i saved one to enjoy, say goodbye to, and did so last night. doing this has helped me keep my mind off the fact that i haven't talked to my dude in five (5!!!!) days. so, dueling thoughts of matty and cigarettes. fighting it out for more time on the brain. is this is a weird way to cope or what?