milk was a bad choice.

i am exhausted. utterly exhausted. i have been going going going. matty has a week and a half left in twentynine palms (i think) and i am capital T TIRED. had a late soccer game last night, then had a pretty rough time trying to sleep. i actually had to go get a coffee. in the middle of the afternoon. which i do not ever EVER do, unless it is a day that i am utterly hungover. which, i'll make note, doesn't happen during the week like it used to, say, 5 years ago. when my recovery rate was exemplary. so, i have a softball game tonight. another late one. but it is ok. because i am with good people. and winter is coming. which brings snowboarding. eeeeeeeee! can't wait. still contemplating on whether or not i am going to get a season pass again this year. i think i have until the end of october to get it half off. so i'll keep mulling it over. but hot damn i can not wait to get on the mountain again. i think i'll pull the duds out of the garage and wax my stick when i get home, brah. and matty bought me butt pads. because last season i took a mighty tumble on the tailbone that had me sitting on a donut for a month. everywhere i went. even to a nice dinner with friends. have you ever cleansed your pallette while sitting on a donut? I HAVE. not awesome.

insert sad face here.

this is from the day we found out matty was activated. (or the day "they picked him" as my nieces say...) we were driving down to san diego for a friends birthday and were halfway there. we had to turn around and come back to my house, as we had just moved all his stuff to my garage and had to report at 5:00 am the next day. to say it was a rough day is an understatement. and he forgot to pack socks.

welcome back?

why is it fucking impossible for me to take ONE day off from work without having a pile of shit left on my desk? how about a few client meltdowns that someone else could have handled???

oh, that's right. because my job sucks.

pencil me in?

if anyone decides to plan something on march 26, 2011, i just may have to kick them in the shins. i call that day mine, fair and square. mine i say, MINE! and now that it has been mentioned and is floating out there in the world of interwebs, it's officially mine. because that is the rules of the interwebs.

buster's balls

shit howdy have i been good about the staying busy part. i have been up to something everyday after work for the entire week so far. and, i even have a fun activity planned for after i get out of here today. what is it you ask? my, well, it's a root canal! OH BOY! my first one. i have absolutely no idea what to expect, and i am terrified of the dentist from a few previous experiences. that's putting it lightly. so, i have stocked up on soup, rented some movies, and i am down to get down with a root canal. (i think.) hopefully it doesn't take me out too hard, as i am driving to bakes, b-town, armpit of california bakersfield tomorrow to visit family and pick up my wedding dress. yes yes, my WEDDING dress. it finally came in. awesome. i am also going to meet up with my old bff that dates back to 4th grade whom i haven't seen in, um, 10 years. let's see, what else. luigi's steak sand-o-wich. mom, brother, sis in law, and all 6 nieces. with 6 nieces comes lots of soccer games. in hundred degree weather. oh, and buster the dog with the biggest balls i have ever seen. maybe i can get a photo of that. it'll be such a treat!

smoke signals are ineffective

yay! i talked to him. oh, all is good. for now. i don't want this to come out in the wrong way, but i take comfort in the fact that this isn't very easy for matty either. maybe because everytime i cry about shit, shed some tears, have a bad day, someone asks me if i am pms-ing. so unless matt has a vagina and can bleed from it, we are both experiencing actual human emotions not brought on by a surge of... GASP... hormones. nothing pisses me off more than to have someone ask me if i am pms-ing everytime i shed a tear.

on another note, soccer was good. there is no other feeling that compares to sprinting up and down a field for 80 minutes, chasing a round thing full of air. i am so glad that i can actually go and do something for excercise that i love. i mean, i'm not gonna lie, but for the day leading up to the game, i am constantly thinking, "oh my goodness i am totally going to die tonight i haven't run since the last game and i don't know if i can do this oh my i hope i don't get HITINTHEFACE." but alas, i always have a good time with good people. and get my ass kicked in a good way.

oh, i just cannot WAIT until he comes home.

world cup worthy

second soccer game of the season tonight. fingers crossed the massive blisters the size of former planet pluto hold up for the long haul. have i washed my jersey since the last game? OF COURSE NOT.

what are you doing with my waters?

ah, the weekend was filled with good friends and good times. i am now in full force "stay busy" mode, and i actually feel like i have accomplished things. the weekend was so crammed with doing stuff, it just flew by without the feeling of wasting it. some things that were completed(!!) this weekend:

drinking, eating lots of good food, seeing an old friend i haven't seen in a few years, seeing an old friend i saw not too long ago, meeting and approving of a friends new boy, meeting out of towners, more good food, violating hotel policies, seeing one man yell in what sounded like another language and punch other man (this made me very sad. it actually made me want to cry a little bit.) seeing naked man get arrested. rosh hashanah celebration, international faxes, eating cheeseburgers. watching tattoos in progress, good jokes. good inside jokes being made. more good food, baseball. coffee with BOB! movie time, julie & julia, cooking, crying (a little) and hugs.

and to top off an amazingly awesome weekend, i got a call and actually got to talk to my tootie pants. i miss him so much words can not even describe.

oh and some explosive diarrhea.

gettin' hitched

well. here is a subject i haven't touched yet. wedding planning. for the last, oh, 6 months or so, matty and i have been talking about plans for our wedding. with everything already figured out, colors, food, blah blah blah, we had been waiting to set a date until we found out the 411 on his deployment. now that we have that long awaiting timetable, i don't know what to do about setting a date. plan plan plan. we have a small budget, we have our guestlist, i have the dress. the dudes aren't wearing tuxedo's or anything fancy like that. we are going way simple. with that said, here are the options:

1.) matty gets back and completely done around august 2010. we had been talking about planning it for may 2011, but shit. that seems really REALLY far away. we don't need that much time to plan. and i'm not sure if i want to wait that long.

b.) we have also been toying with the idea of planning the shit out of it while he is gone, so we can do the damn thing in october 2010. i like the sound of this. i just don't know if i want to do all the planning while he is gone. i know he wants to be somewhat a part of the planning proccess (FOOD tasting... and the like) but i know i have a ton of support from my ladies, not to mention my family, AND his. with many a helping hand.

it isn't going to be a super fancy shindig with sparkles and perfectly placed rhinestones. we are both simple folks with simple tastes. that day is about our friends and family being there to witness the dedication of our lives to each other. oh yeah, and good food and flowing drinks. so i don't know what to do with this. my mind changes at least three times a day. who has two thumbs and obviously needs to pow wow with some friends for their thoughts? me.

goodwilling

i have an issue with throwing things away. and recently, i have been sitting around watching cable tv on the internet, because we don't have real cable. caught an episode of hoarders on the a & e website. was then extremely afraid. i should clarify that i am in no way even remotely close to the level of "keeping things" that the subjects of that tv show are. i have a clothing problem. i have a very small closet and a very large clothing problem. when matty found out he was being deployed, we had to move his stuff to my apartment. the garage is packed, and i had no space available in my room. but we made space. because apparently boys have clothes. so, it was looking eerily similar to a hoarder room. i just couldn't do it anymore. i took a stand against the clothes. went through my closet and the dresser and got rid of so many clothes i filled the biggest blackest industrial-sized trash bag that exists. and now i can't get it out of my room because it is too heavy. maybe it is a sign. but i'm feeling a little better. baby steps.

wait.....

i don't think it can get any worse than this.

it probably can, but it sure doesn't feel like it right now.

ugh.

one down...

well. i told myself when matty was gone i was going to keep busy. i wanted to keep busy so i wouldn't find myself alone all the time with my thoughts. which is exactly where i have ended up. it has been a little over a week since he left. (this isn't even the real deal time!) and i keep finding myself holed up in my bedroom, dealing with shit. and when it rains it pours. i have so much going on and all i want to do is talk to him. and i can't. and it makes it so hard. i never thought i would so deeply want to involve someone in every aspect of my life. in a way i am appreciative of the fact that he has to go to training, and i get somewhat of a glimpse of what the communication is going to be like when he goes overseas. but this is the point where i need to lean on my family and friends a tad more. because every day it is getting harder and harder to get out of bed. to go through the motions, so to speak. and i am grateful i can realize this.

remembering

today is the 8 year anniversary of 9/11. i am struggling with how to write this post, as i have to admit that this day affects me differently than the previous anniversaries. i have not had any close friends or family in the service during this war, until i met matt. yes, we met a couple years ago, so this is not our first "9/11 anniversary." but today is different. today matt and i can not spend together, today matt is gone for training to be deployed. to risk his life fighting for our country. this is not his first deployment... and there are understandably things he doesn't talk about. he won't talk about. but i know, he has seen things that will be with him for the rest of his life. our lives. our childrens lives. what he has been through has affected the way he views the world. the way he views other people in it. his entire way of thinking. his trust.

which is also what many people suffered on this day 8 years ago.

but what is different is that he is willing. he is prepared for this. he is ready.

thousands of people were not able to say goodbye. thousands of people left this world unprepared, unwilling. their lives taken from them and their families. from their children. from their brothers and sisters, from their soul mates.

let this day remind you of how precious life is. how quickly the world can change. i never thought i would have to prepare myself for the fact that someone i love deeply and with all of my being, may not come back. but in truth, this is a daily possibility. let yourself remember this.

i lurve food.

so, talked to matt for about 30 seconds yesterday. apparently the communication is going to be lacking the whole time he is going to be in the desert. speaking of desert, which is pretty close to dessert, i can't stop eating. in the past, the few (many) times i have attempted to quit smoking, the incessant eating never hit me until about day 4. went to the gym yesterday and about died, so the sore legs are slowing me down in getting TO the food. however, once there, i demolish all that stands in my way. cravings for greasy food isn't helping with the trying to be healthy crap. oh, what i would do for a large mcdonald's fry. you. have. no. idea.

and so it begins...

well, let's begin. matty left for twentynine palms on saturday, and i still have not talked to him. i have been trying to prepare for this possibility, but one never knows what feelings and thoughts will emerge until you're really in it. i have been trying to keep busy, etc. etc. i have also chosen to quit smoking today. also something i have been preparing myself for. i figured it would be a good time to do so, without having to put matty through that agony that is my mood swings, irritablility, and all that other stuff i have made him endure on my other "quitting" trials. for a couple of weeks, i have been cutting back the cigarettes. a little more each day, while all the while keeping today in mind. yesterday i was down to three. then played some softball, drank beer, and smoked a few more. i saved one to enjoy, say goodbye to, and did so last night. doing this has helped me keep my mind off the fact that i haven't talked to my dude in five (5!!!!) days. so, dueling thoughts of matty and cigarettes. fighting it out for more time on the brain. is this is a weird way to cope or what?