and so it begins...

well, let's begin. matty left for twentynine palms on saturday, and i still have not talked to him. i have been trying to prepare for this possibility, but one never knows what feelings and thoughts will emerge until you're really in it. i have been trying to keep busy, etc. etc. i have also chosen to quit smoking today. also something i have been preparing myself for. i figured it would be a good time to do so, without having to put matty through that agony that is my mood swings, irritablility, and all that other stuff i have made him endure on my other "quitting" trials. for a couple of weeks, i have been cutting back the cigarettes. a little more each day, while all the while keeping today in mind. yesterday i was down to three. then played some softball, drank beer, and smoked a few more. i saved one to enjoy, say goodbye to, and did so last night. doing this has helped me keep my mind off the fact that i haven't talked to my dude in five (5!!!!) days. so, dueling thoughts of matty and cigarettes. fighting it out for more time on the brain. is this is a weird way to cope or what?